By now I'm sure you heard about the object multiple sources have confirmed is a Chinese spy satellite that hovered above Montana, for the sake of simplicity I'll refer to it as a "spy balloon" because that makes it sound less scary to me.

I'm trying to focus on less-troubling subjects, but I can't help but wonder what the spy balloon was looking for. We Montanans are private people, and there's plenty of stuff here we'd rather not be seen by anyone— here's a list of them:

Me stumbling home from the bars last night

On Thursday nights I like to hit the bars for 1 or 10 refreshments, and I'm not afraid to say it... however I'd rather not be photographed stumbling around on my slippery walk home.

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Montana is the most beautiful scenery in the world, so it would be embarrassing if people saw a place like Glacier covered in trash.

Someone petting a bison

Montanans would look awful stupid if people thought we would actually try to pet a bison. That's something only tourists do, but we could get blamed for it anyway.

Snowboard/Skiing wipeouts

Let's hope there's no compilation of Montanans taking gnarly falls on the slopes on the way, that'd ruin our reputation as winter sportswomen and sportsmen.


Our neighbor Bigfoot prefers to be a mystery, and for his sake we all hope he stays that way. Although chances are even if Bigfoot was caught on camera, he'd be too blurry for his existence to be confirmed.

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