I love Santa Claus, and not just for all the gifts he's given me. I love his fashion sense, his laugh and how he handles that sleigh. Hollywood really needs to put my man Kris Kringle in the next Fast and Furious movie.

The one complaint I have is about his workshop— why does it have to be so far away? Santa, if you're reading this (and I know you are) here's what it would be like if you moved to Missoula:


No need to keep the reindeer in the stable, they could roam around town with the rest of our deer. We love the phrase "keep Missoula weird" so Rudolph would certainly become a local celebrity, but we promise we won't feed him too many carrots.

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It would be great for our local craftsman to learn from the elves, maybe we'd even teach them a thing or two. You give the elves days off, right Santa? If not, there's a chance they'll learn how to unionize.


Frosty would love playing with all the kids in Missoula. For the sake of his health, I do advise that he gives up that corn cob pipe. And no vaping either.


Santa, I know you're a bit of a recluse, but our town is so awesome that you'd be convinced to get out more. Now your favorite foods are milk and cookies, but after spending some time here, I think you'd grow an appreciation for bacon and beer. What I'm saying is, read this to Mrs. Claus and think on it together. Also, please deliver me a Playstation 5.

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