People from warmer places have told me they envy that I usually have a "white Christmas" because I live in Montana, but this year I think they'd prefer to stay where they are. It's not just cold— it's like, stupid cold. I don't understand weather but apparently we're getting these winds from Siberia? I will never forgive Siberia for this.

I love Christmas music, but considering the circumstances this year, certain lyrics won't hit the same. Here's lyrics that need to be cancelled until the next holiday season:

In the meadow we can build a snow man

No, we cannot. What do you want to do, kill me?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Let it shut, let it shut, let it shut. Your mouth, that is.

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Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh

I'll be in my car with the heat on full blast, but thanks anyway.

Later we'll have some pumpkin pie and we'll do some caroling

I like the first half of that plan, but it's hard to carol when your teeth are chattering.

And when you walk down the street, say hello to friends you know

Don't bother saying hello to me on the street, I'm trying to sprint to shelter.

We're happy tonight living in a wonderland

I wouldn't call this a winter wonderland, more like a frozen hellscape.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Ol' Jack ain't just nipping, this guy is trying to bite the nose clean off my face.

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