An Open Letter to the Bear That Keeps Eating My Garbage

Dear Bear,

I'm not happy with you, but I'll get to that later. First, I want to take a trip down memory lane. The first time I saw you, it was magic. You were in the woods (where you belong) and I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You truly are a magnificent specimen, large with dark fur and dark eyes to match. I love your tan snout, your button nose and maybe most of all, I love your soft, adorable round ears. For a dangerous beast and potential killer, you sure are cute.

I know your bear family have lived in Montana longer than human beings have, and I appreciate sharing this beautiful state with you. Luckily, there's plenty of space for both of us. Though lately, you've kind of been up in my grill, or more precisely, you've been up in my dumpster.

It was bad from the start, but the problem has gotten worse and worse. You used to take a single bag of garbage and drag it to your bear den— but now you tip the entire dumpster over and rifle through it right in our parking lot. You're supposed to be a bear, not a litter bug.

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I want to go back to the way things were, with human beings in civilization and you and your bear folk kickin' it with mother nature. I really hope you return to your traditional bear ways, because in my eyes you've gone from being animal royalty to being an oversized, trash-eating racoon.

Sincerely,

Christian Grant